Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard