There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.