Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
You Might Also Like
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.