when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
You Might Also Like
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.