“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Ain’t no way
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Ugh but profoundly
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Stop being racist to kettles.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay