A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that