Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice