[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Introverted vegans go meetless
me: my friends:
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.