I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Yup.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
A choir of Spring onions
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.