Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?