just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
choose your gary
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”