When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…