All generalizations are stupid.
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one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
You better watch out
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Just say no
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Well, that didn’t work.