Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
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I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.