WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.