Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.