Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday