My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.