Did my cat write this
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Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Thinking about Jeff
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I wanna be friends with this person
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
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.
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Squash
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.