[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Bed should get ready for ME
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
meanwhile over on facebook
Going into Monday like
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
People buying plungers never look happy.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.