You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.