Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
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5- sweat
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
drew a comic about my origin story
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…