I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms