Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO