BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
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Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.