My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
You Might Also Like
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day