*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology: