[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.