My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE