Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
lol
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How about daylight saves us for once
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics