Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.