ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
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VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.