[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
the only bumper sticker ill allow
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.