“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong