If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.