Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My first child will be named New Folder.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.