“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.