I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING