the way this pissed me off… 😭
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.