If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Dietest Coke
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom