I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.