I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.