Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Donkey Kong sommelier
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.