I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.