I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
step 6: release the wall snake
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.