“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?