Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Skills
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea