I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
This dude got his own movie?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”