son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.