“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*